Memo

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: NIMR Maintenance Dept.

Date: Monday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Your beach cam has a smudge on it. Probably a smushed bug. Very distracting.

From: Hand E. Mann

NIMR Maintenance Dept.

Date: Monday

To: Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

A work order has been placed.

Thank you for your comment.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: Hand E. Mann, NIMR Maintenance Dept.

Date: Wednesday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Well? It’s been two days and it hasn’t been taken care of yet!

From: Hand E. Mann

NIMR Maintenance Dept.

Date: Wednesday

To: Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Give us a frigging chance, will you? We  have more important business  to attend to than a smudge on the damn beach cam. We’re not Navy, we don’t have to listen to you,  and we’re not a resort for God’s sake.

 From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: Adm. (Ret.) Harriman Nelson

Date: Wednesday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Harriman, I’ve never been so insulted! Civilian or not, I want Hand E. Mann dealt with! I’m not only a four star in the Navy, but as a ‘visitor’ to your website I deserve some respect.

And get that damn squished bug of the damn lens of the damn beach cam!

It’s one of the few pleasures I have during a break in my busy day to flip it on to see your famous beach from NIMR’s viewpoint.

From Harry Nelson

To Jiggs Starke

Date: Wednesday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Oh dear. Jiggs, dear friend. ‘Hand E. Mann’ is a beta version of an artificial intelligence computer program that was created to respond to web inquiries with a personal touch. 

I’ll have the techs take it offline and investigate just why that personal touch took on such a bad attitude.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: Adm. (Ret.) Harriman Nelson

Date: Wednesday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Well, glad to hear that I wasn’t deliberately insulted. By the way, the damn squashed bug is still on the lens.

From Harry Nelson

To Jiggs Starke

Date: Wednesday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Lee is working on it personally.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: Adm. (Ret.) Harriman Nelson

Date: Thursday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Well? All I get is a blank box on the screen now.

From Harry Nelson

To Jiggs Starke

Date: Thursday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Ah well, that’s because Lee tumbled off the ledge, the cam with him. A bit surprised at that. He’s not normally so clumsy.

Managed to catch himself  on one the ladder rungs, but the cam slipped out of his hand and fell all the way down to the ground, smashed to bits.   Lee only has a wrenched ankle.

By the way, we discovered that it wasn’t a squished bug on the what was left of the lens. It was bird poop.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: Adm. (Ret.) Harriman Nelson

Date: Thursday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Bird poop, huh? Well, perhaps that scientific brain of yours can figure out some way to prevent bird bombs in the future.

PS. Glad to hear you won’t have to get a new captain. Clumsy, Crane? More likely he was distracted by watching those pretty girls in the bikini’s on your private beach.

From Harry Nelson

To Jiggs Starke

Date: Thursday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Oh, you noticed that did you? And all this time I thought you simply missed looking at NIMR’s seashore.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: Adm. (Ret.) Harriman Nelson

Date: Friday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Hard not to notice your female staff when they get in some swim time during their work days, you lucky dog, you. The Navy would never allow such a privilege.

Ah, the cam just came back up.  Cheech, Harriman, Crane’s joined some of the girls on the beach, one on each arm. He may be ‘walking wounded’, but he’s sure milking it for all he’s worth.

From Harry Nelson

To Jiggs Starke

Date: Friday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Wouldn’t you? Well, old friend, I have some meetings I simply must attend to. And you’ll be pleased to know that Chip Morton is personally taking care of Hand E. Mann’s programing.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: NIMR Maintenance Dept.

Date: Sunday

Re: Bird repellant

You have got to get some bird repellant to protect your new beach cam. No sooner than it had been installed, another stupid bird, probably a crane from the looks of it, bumped right into it, changing the angle. The cam now looks at one of the highways. That’s not what I tune in to see.

PS It appears that there’s some kind of gummy substance on the cam, probably from whatever was in the crane’s beak.

From: Hand E. Mann

NIMR Maintenance Dept

To: Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

Date: Sunday

Re: Bird repellant.

Dear sir,

We will advise the Medical Center right away of Captain Crane’s accident. In addition, we’ll advise procurement to replace whatever gum the captain was chewing at the time.

As for a Crane repellant, while we agree that sometimes the crew would welcome it, especially when he gets into one of his little snits or ‘moods’, it’s doubtful that  Admiral Nelson will consider it.

From Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSubPac

To: Adm. (Ret.) Harriman Nelson

Date: Sunday

Re: Bird repellant

Harry! Your damned artificial intelligence computer program’s on the fritz again! And please get that cam turned around!

From Harry Nelson

To Jiggs Starke

Date: Monday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Sorry. It defense of the program, it simply couldn’t distinguish between the bird crane the Crane on the payroll, so it made the  best choice it could.

You can imagine that Captain Crane was not amused when Doc arrived at his home, ambulance behind him, to take care of his wounded ‘beak’.  At least he wasn’t upset when procurement arrived at his office with a box of assorted chewing and bubble gums.

I’ve taken the program off line and we’re all having a good laugh about it now.

Kowalski volunteered to make the climb to turn the beach cam back toward the beach, though I nixed that. He’s not know the resident girl watcher for nothing. I don’t want a repeat of what happened to Lee.

So, I’ll be making the climb myself. At least you won’t have to worry about me getting so distracted by the girls that I lose my footing. Not that I wouldn’t mind being distracted. Not one bit. I just won’t let it faze me.

From: Cmdr. Lee Crane, NIMR

To: Adm. Jiggs Starke, ComSupPac

Date: Monday

Re: NIMR Beach Cam

Dear Sir,

I thought you’d like to know that we had an accident with the beach cam and another is on order.

Admiral Nelson will be on sick leave for the next few days following an attack by sea birds. The cam fell from his hands and is completely broken.

Apparently he’d come straight from the aquarium after feeding fish to some sick dolphins we’ve been taking care of. He probably smelled too appetizing.  He’ll be okay, but Doc thought it best that he stay at home in bed, especially as it appears that in addition to being pecked at a little  bit, (nothing too damaging, thankfully)  he caught Avian Influenza from them.

As for Hand E. Mann, well, I’ve taken the liberty of ordering it to remain offline until further notice, even though Chip tells me it’s working fine now.

I’ll ask Agent Catfish to send you a link to one of the Daytona Beach cams, so you can enjoy those beach views even if they’re from the Atlantic, while we wait for ours to be re-established.

Sincerely,

Crane.

PS. Don’t be too harsh on my feathered friends for their part in the downed beach cam. Birds of a feather you know.